Lately I have been drinking too much as well as smoking pot. It does not mix well with my Lithium so I don't take it the nights I drink heavily. Now I am in a mixed state and have an intense compulsion to consume as much alcohol and pot as possible. I have no doubt that the excess alcohol is messing with my metal state but I cannot seem to stop as I spiral down into a bad mixed episode. I know I am self medicating and that I am playing with fire so why on earth do I continue?? Mixed states are so awful I would do anything to alleviate the pain, irritability and agitation, so I drink and smoke. When I am stable I only drink a little on occasion but when mixed or manic I find it hard to stop drinking like a fish. I have a feeling this is going to end badly if I don's stop soon. See my T tomorrow and will try and find some strategies to help me at least slow down. Last time this happened I ended up in hospital as I get wild and suicidal once the mixed state gets worse. I am scared of what will happen next. Stopping the self-medicating scares me and full blown mixed states terrify me.