I've spent a major part of my life fighting depression and anxiety. For many years, I fought it without even knowing what it was. I didn't even recognize or realize that I had anxiety until a few years ago, but had all the symptoms most of my life. I've never been to a doctor or a therapist about it and have always just dealt with it by reading all the books on psychology and self help that I could. After years of reaching around in the dark, I did finally come onto the issues I faced, why they were issues in my life, and have slowly been finding ways to deal with those issues ever since. Just some background for you...

That said, recently it has dawned on me that I've been approaching both depression and anxiety from the wrong angle. And why wouldn't I? We've all been taught that those are things that are bad, and they are things we must conquer at all costs. And why wouldn't they be bad? They create these feeling inside us that swallow us up and make us feel helpless, lost, angry, sad, etc. It's a darkness that exists in all of us to some degree or another. And when that darkness comes to the surface, we are afraid of it and we fight it.

Lately, however, it's been impressed upon me to start cultivating more courage in my life. In the past, I would see courage in much the same way that Hollywood presents it: a great fairy tale where a prince goes out into the world and slays a dragon and rescues a princess. Heck, that sort of story used to really inspire me and move me to my core. We've had so many happy endings flashed in our faces, that the message of hope that you find in these stories eventually become like poison -- images of a life that you will never have. Granted, I'm mostly happy with my life (and I've spent a lot of time getting to a place where I'm happy with my life because I spent so much of my life being miserable). But I'd always clung to this hope that at some point I would find something to rid me of the depression and anxiety that has plagued me all my life. But what experience has taught me is that depression comes around on a cycle, and that anxiety can be minimized but never totally removed.

I don't want to sound cynical or that I've given up on that hope. I haven't. I think what has happened is that I've gotten more realistic and have begun to look at it from another perspective. I've always seen those things as bad parts of me, things that make me an unlikable person or an unworthy person. Lately, however, I'm starting to realize that those things are a part of me. Nobody is all darkness just like nobody is all light. And life, it seems, becomes a training ground for striking a balance between the light and the dark and never letting either come to define you totally.

So, I've instead started focusing on cultivating courage. Specifically, the courage to be depressed. The courage to proudly announce that my depression isn't something that defines or limits me. On the contrary, it's my depression that ultimately has fueled my passion. Some of my best work comes out of some of the darkest depression.

Interesting enough, that perspective has helped me quite a bit. Now that I see depression for what it is...a cyclical storm that comes through my life from time to time, I'm learning to embrace it and focus on the parts of my life that are actually enhanced by it.

So, I wanted to share this little blurb because it's been on my mind. It seems that having the courage to say "this is who I am!" instead of having a huge battle over it has made things more clear.