Yes, for the most part. At least that he initiates. He holds me when we sleep, though that is a routine. That's about it. On the rare occasion he hugs me when I'm sad (as long as my sadness has NOTHING to do with him, otherwise he's resentful). We sit overlapping when we watch movies together, which isn't too often, but it's me who initiates the physical contact, almost without exception.

He generally treats me with kindness and consideration, but yes, in this regard it seems to be all about what he wants.

It's not a cover story, but certainly it is a more surface example of a common dynamic between us. We're unequal in a lot of ways, and ways more significant than sex.

I'm not sure if you mean on my behalf or his, but we both have a fair amount of buried hostility.

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Everything you said is spot on accurate (with the exception of this being a cover story). He is selfish, he doesn't have external motivation to address my needs or wishes, physical or emotional, and he has successfully created a situation between us in which he is in control.

For a long time I accepted the premise that he would treat me better if I behaved nicer (more easy going, gentler, happier), but the more I behaved the way he demanded, the more he took and the less he gave. In ALL regards, not just in bed.

He has me feeling like it's my role to be secondary, justified because he's the breadwinner.

His advice on my becoming a better person was actually mostly great advice, and I took it and have improved myself a fair amount. But now I'm treated as having less value than I did before.

When I tell him this he says he denies that he ever treats me bad and claims that he is affectionate. He then says he has PTSD and needs time to recover, that I have to be patient. As if it will take no effort, only time. And MONTHS--he always says it will take "a few months." That's simply not true; it's been over three years now of him saying this.

We get along really well most of the time. And he's generally very nice. We do activities together and have a good time. But maybe a big part of why we get along so well is because I've outwardly accepted that he's The Boss. We didn't used to get along this well.

He's actually said that too. That he's the boss. I used to tell myself that the egregious things he says when he's angry aren't how he really feels or sees things. My objective after these episodes was to try to get him to reassure me that he has a higher opinion of me than he said and that he doesn't actually believe most if the things he said about me. But this rarely ever worked. Usually, it ended with him saying even more degrading things to me (never about sex, by the way, instead about me in general) and me crying until I was numb and then just trying not to think of it and moving forward.

I don't know what to do really. He gets his feelings hurt very easily and is very sensitive to criticism, even the most well-intended and gently put constructive criticism. I used to share my insights with him (about our relationship, him, and how I feel), but that only made things worse. Probably the best approach would be a soft but direct approach on a situational basis. For example: "I'm feeling sad. Can you give me a hug?" (Though I can't share what I'm sad about if it's about him.) Or going for a walk through the park, "Can you hold my hand?" Or, in bed: "Can you go down on me?" If I ask enough times, and regularly, he'll probably start to do these things on his own. Of course, it will be out of habit, rather than spontaneous desire, but it's better than otherwise. I think that's the mild Aspergers part--the not knowing what to do and not having a desire to do something unless there's a rational reason, and one HE understands at that!

He's one of the most hard-working, goal-oriented, strategic, and responsible people I've ever met. So he's clearly an adult mentally. But emotionally it's like he's a spoiled ten-year-old. Which is exactly how he acts around his mom, who just takes it. He gets frustrated with her (like when she's confused about how her new DVD player works) and yells at her, orders her around, talks down to her, makes fun of her, laughs at her, etc., and then feels justified because he was "right" about how the DVD player worked, and she was "wrong." He doesn't see at all that it is not right to treat her like that. She is annoying, but she's very good to him and is always extremely nice. I've actually had to tell him to be nice to her when I'm around and not to raise his voice. He's agreed, and generally does an okay job of this, but he thinks I made the request because of me--because I'm so sensitive to noise and people talking loud that it bothers me. If he thought it instead had to do with him being flawed in any way or behaving poorly, he would just be bitter and dig in his heels even more.

Okay well this has just turned into a massive rambling!