I couldn't sleep from stress over my job, not having a permanent home, things I own in storage for going on six months now, so that I didn't go to sleep until 3 a.m. Usually I pray for 30-60 minutes before sleep, but I didn't have enough faith or energy. I woke up at 11 a.m. I feel that I need the sleep for the lupus fatigue; besides, life is very scarey right now. But when I wake up so late, I feel lazy and worthless. I forgot to take my neurontin, which didn't help with the sleep situation.

The first thing I opened this morning was an envelope from my mother, who is helping with my bills right now. There was a clipping inside about how when people lose their jobs in their 50s, they often watch all their retirement savings get used up, have to take jobs at lesser pay, may look for a year, and often have to start a business of some type, which takes immense energy (not to mention -- enough savings to start a business, which I don't have). I know that she meant it to boost me up -- to comfor's me by knowing "it's not you, Enid, it's the world."

But all it did was make me feel -- well, I hate to say it, but feelings of such profound discouragement started up, I started thinking -- maybe I should just kill myself, after all? What's the point of going through any more of this hell, if it's going to end up with being as frightfully poor as I've been in the past, and losing everything I've worked for, for the past 15 years?

On the bright side, I have two men interested in me. I can't believe this happening in middle age, with my hair silver, and without a job or nice home. When I say, "I can't believe it," this is not a turn of phrase. My T -- who is male -- said, "Why shouldn't men be interested in you. You're intelligent and attractive and interesting."

Yes, but I am also *depressed,* and occasionally suicidal, and confused. I am putting them off, bec. they seem to want more frequent contact than I can handle. So far, they accept it, bec. these contacts are new, but I expect they will get tired of my backing away, and this interesting development will fade from my life, too, reinforcing my beliefs about how worthless I am.

Not a great start to the day -- which is the afternoon for me.