I know I've been doing terribly lately, and my suicidal thoughts and self harm have been getting pretty bad. Last night my partner said he can't handle me being this way any more and rang the crisis team whose number he still had saved (maybe just a UK thing?) who told him to bring me to A&E (I refused) He was then told that if he can't get me to come that they will send an ambulance to "assist" him. So I felt pretty much blackmailed into going, sobbing my eyes out the whole way that I didn't want to go (I was scared of ending back on the psych ward). For the first time ever, the woman I saw at the hospital was kind and really supportive, maybe I've just had bad luck with who I've seen in the past because I've hardly ever seen anyone I felt cared. So she has passed me to the Crisis team who came out to my house today, and have arranged to come back tomorrow, 3 women came to my house (CPN, pdoc and a student CPN) which was pretty daunting but having my partner there to help when I was struggling did really help. Tomorrow they are bringing someone who can help me with my anxiety and panic attacks, to teach me some more breathing techniques etc to calm myself down which I think will be really helpful. I've also been referred to the mental health team who I will start to see after the crisis team feel i'm out of the "suicide risk" thing, then I'm starting CBT on Thursday. I've gone from feeling like I've got no support any more to being offered more support than ever and i'm already optimistic about it. I keep almost giving up because it's been over 6 years now and it's still here, but I have promised myself to hang on to life a little bit longer to see if all this support really will work and help me. I really did nearly go through with it last night, I think I'd have gotten myself in a very bad way if I had been alone. Anyway, now I'm kind of relieved I didn't go through with it seeing how much pain this has caused my partner makes me feel so guilty. I just hope I can keep this optimism a while longer.