T asked for permission today to push me a bit. I have been having some wicked flashbacks, and cannot remember some of them right after they happen. But I am left shaking uncontrollably and covered in sweat. Anyway, he asked for permission at one point to push and when I semi-nodded, semi-shrugged, he told me what he thought the logical conclusion was of the flashbacks I can remember. I promptly pulled my knees up to my chest, buried my face in my arms and a pillow and chanted NONONONO at him. sigh. I remember when I actually had some dignity. Then there is a big blank spot in my memory followed by an awareness that T was touching me and talking really earnestly to me about ... something. We had talked in the past about what helps me when I am dissociating so he was aware that him touching me is helpful to me when I am dissociating. I am just ... disgusted/embarrassed/frustrated with myself. I really thought I had things more under control than this.