Sometimes, he actually suggested that too, but to first stabilize me he wants me on 10mg to fight the panic attacks right away. Then we'll move down to 7.5mg a day and test the waters for two months.

When I was on 10mg the only thing that made me feel anything was alcohol. I drank so much. I would wake up and the only thing I could think about was having another beer so that I could feel something, anything at all. I tried watching the most dramatic movies I could, listening to the most deeply moving music I could, reading my favorite part in Goethe's Faust and I couldn't get an emotional response whatsoever.

I felt like Beethoven, deaf to music, banging the piano keys as hard as he could to no avail.