Hi, I'm new here, but not really new to recovery. been trying to recover from my abuse and related addiction for at least five years. I started facing my repressed sexual molestation memories about a month after first admitting my addiction. recovery has been slow. I remember being molested by a neighbor the summer after first grade. I think there were two of them -- a high school kid and his father, a respected military officer. i've been trying to turn my anger and self-blame away from myself and onto them where it belongs, but this is really hard. I ended up in their house, which broke my mother's rule never to go into anyone's house without her permission. so, look what happened -- i was raped. I wish she was still alive so I could tell her I'm sorry I didn't follow her rules. I wrote an angry letter to my abusers recently. the next day I was driving to work and had an image pop into my head of my driving my fist through his chest. The image just came - i wasn't even thinking about it at the time. it was grusome. this stuff is just so deep in my soul. i started sleep walking again (I get kitchen knives and put them in odd places -- find them again over the next day or two). but, i've become so self-destructive -- this anger really needs to turn away from me. any thoughts on what to do?

thanks for being here.