Because I have PDD-NOS, I chew and actually eat my nails, pluck my eyelashes out, rub my face incessantly and this dirty stuff comes off, and I like to do strange "rituals" like always wanting to log into my Internet accounts at specific times. People notice my BO and I never even think about what other people think, because I just totally obsess from waking hours to sleeping time. All I do is obsess, obsess, obsess. My brain is just messed up. All I do is obsess.

Really, whatever confidence or motivation I once had to get a grip on the obsessing, well, it just seems to have depleted. The only day of the year I even remotely feel 'human' again is on 1 January, because it is a new year and usually the reason people feel jolly on New Year's Day is because nothing of significance has happened yet. Then I always go back to the same unhealthy routine within a week, which makes me feel like I broke some 'magic oath' inside my head, because usually the rest of the year ends up being an absolute joke.

I did join Twitter. Twitter seems cool. But it's still not the same as experiencing an 'in real life' chat with someone, if you know what I mean...

I've deleted my Meetup, Facebook, YouTube (etc) accounts countless times, only to register new profiles and the sad cycle continues. Maybe it is a serious compulsion I have and I am way too lonely, which is unfortunate yet probably not all that unusual in those with autism. Like, I always close my eBay accounts and things like that before 1 January comes around, if the option is there to do so. That is odd, and I know it is bizarre to obsess over things like I do. I tell myself it is not "normal" to obsess like this and it will destroy me.

Maybe I just care about the online world too much because my personal world is too empty. Even when all my support was there before, it was still a hard habit to break (getting offline). And now that my association with the agency has gone all tits up, it means the other OCD traits are going to mentally linger for even longer. Life like this is just too difficult for me to put up with. People with OCD can often feel trapped and I certainly do feel like garbage because of being betrayed, plus jailed twice, and everything that occurred in 2014 was really bad. It was never necessary. The people involved with the company that supported me before are a shower of lying jerks.

I am always thinking about my former key worker, Sara. I even know where she lives, as her address was included on a bit of paper regarding a criminal charge. My mind keeps beckoning me to seek out that Spanish mentor again, that I love dearly as a person. But she does not love me or even want to know me. Does she hell? And I obviously would just be arrested again if I attempted to approach her or even contact her online, but I get urges to try it. Believe me.

It is sad for me to admit to this, but maybe I will just have to face up to the fact that I will most likely be spending the rest of my life alone, while only casually being social. Even trying to find women to date on the Internet is like walking through a hedge maze blindfolded.

My anxiety is another major problem. Panic attacks and agoraphobia is overwhelming, because even going into a shop is hard. But look at Sara and her accomplishments. Sara did not even know English before she came to Scotland and even she has found a successful job, as well as a place of her own with flatmates, and she did have a boyfriend the last time I saw her in person, but I have been in Scotland all my life and I have only had sporadic success. I cannot be friends with her just because 'we only met because of your autism' as she put it across to me once.

Wow. Thanks, Sara. That really made me feel appreciated. Your 'I could not care less' attitude is so palpable.