I feel so defeated right now. Last wk I was thinking about how I just don't make myself mix with people much. The voice in my head was telling me that I am missing out by not mixing that life isnt meant to lived in a vaccum. I do have a family, a loving hubby and 3 teenage kids, but still my inner voice was saying "no, no, you must have friends too, its a sign of how well in life you are doing" "your missing out, your not like everybody else if you dont have friends"

So I texted a friend last week, whom I use to work with and she would keep up the friendship much more if I allowed her too, and I said lets meet for lunch next week (that being today)

She texted me this morning saying the cafe we normally meet in ( about every 4months) is closed. Well that was it, the thought of walking into another cafe that I know is much more crowded and popular, creased me. My stomach was churning and I wanted to do was escape this date and just feel safe at home, so I text her explaining this and she was kinda of ok, but I feel so bad. I would have made myself go if I knew where we were going wsa completely "safe" ie, not crowded but now I'm thinking I'll just have to accept that its not fair on people if I can't fully commit then to just let them go.

I did tell her I was so sorry.