I feel bad for you, i sympathize too because i had a similiar experience, one time a guy i knew tied me to a bed and had his way with me. I didn't want him to put his thing in me but he was soo rough i was afraid to fight for myself. It ruined that part of my life, a teenager, and i had no one to turn to because i was so ashamed. I hope you can get a doc and t to talk to for therapy, it really helps.