Quote:
Originally Posted by bixkf
Adelyn,
I feel for you, very much so. I know how difficult it is for a couple with widely different sexual backgrounds to find a balance.
I personally see a bit of myself in your description of your husband. I too am quiet and reserved, and I am NOT the lead in the relationship. My wife normally makes the decisions and I follow. But I feel it was out past relationships that brought us to where we are now. My wife was married before me to an abusive man who cared little for her needs and didn't support her. Because she had a child, after she left him she learned to be independent and work towards what she wanted. Additionally, she had many sexual partners before I ever met her.
On the other hand, my wife was my first real LTR. Before her, I had never really had any relationships, however I did have one homosexual "sexual" relation that lasted one year and two heterosexual "flings". In these experiences I was the submissive one doing what my partner wanted.
So when my wife and I got married, you can see that we had an experienced, dominant, independent woman and a submissive, inexperience, bisexual man. For the first few years, she lead completely in bed, until she grew to not want to take the lead. She expected me to.
Even today, after almost 20 years of marriage, she still expects me to initiate, to get her aroused and bring her to satisfaction. But she has so many criteria...I need to be shaved (face and genitals), showered, wearing sexy clothes, Viagra taken (for guaranteed erection), no kids, glass of wine. I work with these things, but she tells be she wants me to take control, to do things without her consent...but then she tells me what she does and doesn't want...how is that not being in control?
My point is that each of us has our past and our issues. We can either work with them or we make them a bigger issue. My wife has made it such a big issue that it means we only have sex 2-3 times a year. I personally would like to have sex daily, but I can't meet her criteria...so what happens? I masturbate to porn, and normally gay porn. I try as hard as I can, always putting her before me, to the point that during intercourse, she will orgasm multiple times, and I end up not ejaculating at all. As a minimum, I always orgasm last.
There may be a point that you have to ask yourself if sex is good enough. If it is, then you may have to live with the status quo, or end up like my wife and I, where sex happens yearly.
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You do have some similar qualities as my husband does, but you're a bit the opposite in terms of your having tried and tried and tried to do exactly what your wife likes.
I do feel bad for my husband that he's "timid," as he says, when it comes to women. He's generally very Type A, but not so when it comes to women.
He gets humiliated incredibly easy. Over little inconsequential things that happen, like his accidentally going through a yellow light while driving. He doesn't have a big outward response, but he feels very embarrassed and immediately defends himself (even though I hadn't noticed or think anything of it) and blushes.
So if he thinks he'll not to a good enough job being oral with me, then that could easily be why he avoids it.
But it bothers me that he won't tell me this, or try to fix this with me.
I'm kind of the opposite of your wife with him having to be shaved or anything. I don't care if he hasn't showered, brushed his teeth, shaved, or whatever. I just want him to sometimes kiss me and go down on me. Doesn't have to be both. Doesn't have to be every time or every week. Does to have to be as much as I do to him at all. If he kissed me in his own--in bed or just around the house real quick, just a kiss--I would be so happy I don't think if be able to stop grinning. If he went down on me on his own, I would just be happy for the effort. I don't even care about the pleasure of it! I just want him to show some care for what I want, to express that he has affection for me.
It's not fair what your wife is doing. She can't expect you to act on your own initiative when she webs you up with rules and do's and don't's. It sounds like she's kind of using the high criteria for sex thing to push you away. She knows your sexual history, and knows her history and experience level, and she's making it seem like she has a Ph.D in the matter and you never made it past forth grade.
Well, I don't know... it could be a lot of underlying reasons as to why she's so picky like that. But I do think there's an underlying reason.
A lot of women want a certain amount of romance surrounding sex. Fair enough, but it can't happen like that all the time due to time constraints and other matters. For example, a lot of women want dinner and wine and for their husband to act like they're courting them. When women demand those things or say "otherwise, no sex" then sex happens infrequently. It's not fair to the guy to expect all that every time. It's supposed to be about both partners feeling happy and close, not one being of service to the other. I mean, think of the reverse: You say to your wife: "I really need you to shave the way I like, wear lingerie, and give me a massage, or else I won't be interested." Not fair.
By the way, maybe you're not aware of this because you haven't had a great deal of partners, but your wife's demands are excessive. It shouldn't take all that to make her happy with you in bed. Even if she loves things a certain way, she would compromise and understand it doesn't have to be every time.
But I know these things are easier to analyze then make happen.
I hear what you're saying about getting to a point of take it or leave it. I'm still hoping things will improve. I think I'm going to try just telling him what I want more frequently, and then hoping it becomes a habit. Then I guess I'll see what happens and go from there.