Hi Wander

I read your post and I felt like I was reading about myself for the past ten years. I have exactly the same symptoms you're describing when I'm manic. It seems like no matter how hard I try to stop drinking something is stirring inside and screaming in my mind and the world is rushing around me and I have to get out of it somehow and the only way out is to drink and to do something crazy because nothing is working no matter how hard I would try.

I was there for a long time. I had to be in a really bad place, liver damage and multiple hospitalizations before I got better. I don't know what to tell you except I understand how bad it is right now and it's not your fault but you HAVE to stop drinking. It's the only way the lithium can work. Lithium is what finally saved me but not until I stopped drinking and I don't know how to tell you anything other than that.

My heart goes out to you. I feel the pain you're in and it's excruciating. I hope you find a way. Keep asking the doctor for help and keep telling him/her the truth of what's going on. It's not your fault, it's the bipolar disorder. Things can get so much better. You can be at peace. It's really possible.