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The_little_didgee · Jan 16, 2015, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chickenfoot

I was just thinking that today actually. I feel almost embarrassed and ashamed of what's gone on this past year and a half. I put way too much trust in these services and was only let down.

Psychiatry doesn't really know how to help some patients. My psychiatrist told me the self-injury I experimented with and my drug induced suicidal ideation made treatment very difficult because it interfered with psychotherapy. It actually makes it a lot more stressful. She explained psychiatry doesn't really know how to deal with that type of behavior especially if it is chronic and there is no major mental illness present such as psychosis that can easily be treated with drugs. At the time I wasn't psychotic so it was implied that I was an attention seeker who was just trying to manipulate the psychiatrists. This is how I got a BPD diagnosis which nourished my despair.

It was nice to be away from psychiatry for 5 years. I learned so much about myself. Now I keep my distance and deal with my problems on my own and without resorting to self-injury.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Yesterday I went to "therapy" and now I have a hangover from it. This doesn't usually happen. I'm disturbed about my past behavior, the 4.5 years of adolescence. I have forgiven myself for the typical things I have done but not the psychiatric stuff. I can't seem to shed it. It confines and hurts me.

The only thing I feel ashamed of in my life is my psychiatric history. Why did I allow it to happen? Why did I violate every one of my morals? Why did I let myself become vulnerable? Why did I allow psychiatry to treat me like a piece of ****?

The embarrassment I feel is only during the years of 16 to 20, which was five before I developed the Didgee psychotic disorder. All the medications I was on lowered my inhibition and changed me. I became a monster who did some troubling things that I cannot seem to forgive myself for. I just realized I did this because I thought it was the only way people would listen and actually acknowledge me, but all my behavior did was alienate even more.

I just realized what else contributed to the hell I went through. I had no idea why I had social difficulties, which caused me to feel flawed and unlikeable. My weird interests and introvertedness made it harder to form connections with others. At that time I didn't have any meaningful friendships, was bullied and away from home to attend a private school. Those were perfect conditions for an impressionable teen to acquire some troubling behavior.

I'm so glad I put a stop to this hell when I was 20. It still hurts though.