Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee
Psychiatry doesn't really know how to help some patients. My psychiatrist told me the self-injury I experimented with and my drug induced suicidal ideation made treatment very difficult because it interfered with psychotherapy. It actually makes it a lot more stressful. She explained psychiatry doesn't really know how to deal with that type of behavior especially if it is chronic and there is no major mental illness present such as psychosis that can easily be treated with drugs. At the time I wasn't psychotic so it was implied that I was an attention seeker who was just trying to manipulate the psychiatrists. This is how I got a BPD diagnosis which nourished my despair.
It was nice to be away from psychiatry for 5 years. I learned so much about myself. Now I keep my distance and deal with my problems on my own and without resorting to self-injury.
The embarrassment I feel is only during the years of 16 to 20, which was five before I developed the Didgee psychotic disorder. All the medications I was on lowered my inhibition and changed me. I became a monster who did some troubling things that I cannot seem to forgive myself for. I just realized I did this because I thought it was the only way people would listen and actually acknowledge me, but all my behavior did was alienate even more.
I just realized what else contributed to the hell I went through. I had no idea why I had social difficulties, which caused me to feel flawed and unlikeable. My weird interests and introvertedness made it harder to form connections with others. At that time I didn't have any meaningful friendships, was bullied and away from home to attend a private school. Those were perfect conditions for an impressionable teen to acquire some troubling behavior.
I'm so glad I put a stop to this hell when I was 20. It still hurts though.
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Anything really 'out there' that I've done over this time has been while on some kind of hypnotic drug. They really lower my inhibitions. I spoke to my doctor about it and he said that it was all me and the drugs didn't have any influence. There's an entire sub reddit dealing with peoples experiences on these drugs like ambien and zimovane, and those experiences are, well, mental! It did take me a while to realise that they where the cause because of my asshole doctors denial that drugs can have any negative effects. Even when I was having shakes in my eyes and my neck was jerking back he refused to take me off my depot or give me some sort of drug to counteract it. It was the reg that eventually gave me kemadrin to sort it out. They think everything they say is gospel and can't be wrong!