Adelyn,

Your situation sounds so very similar to my own...which is the main reason I sought out an online therapy group!

My husband is almost 9 years older than myself. He was married previously and by everyone's accounts she was a real piece of work. His father was an alcoholic and very abusive (however, he has repressed much of it, his siblings remember and discuss it often). He is a pathological narcissist. We are going on 24 years of marriage now. We tried therapy twice and both times the therapist suggested medication and both times he quit. Like yours, he could not handle the thought that he may be doing something wrong.

During our courtship, he was so very attentive and sweet! He wrote me poems and brought me flowers. If I was working late, he would come to walk me to my car, even if we did not have a date. He was always touching me, holding my hands, running his fingers through my hair/brushing it, spontaneously kissing me, etc. He was so thoughtful and kind.

Now keep in mind that I was not a virgin. I was very attractive and had had a few serious relationships. In each of those, the guys were always bragging to their friends about how generous and open I was in the sexual department. They would also compliment me and seemed shocked that I was willing and interested in trying new things. So, by no means am I a prude.

I did not sleep with him until after we were engaged. He was a bit "stiff"(no pun intended) and always seemed concerned to do anything without making sure I was okay with it. He was generous, reciprocating oral sex and initiating it, we were fairly equal in initiating sex altogether and it was quite regular(very few days without). I thought he as a tad intimidated by my physical appearance(I was a model and very well endowed). I was sure that I could loosen him up a bit with a little time. I was wrong.

Literally after the ring was on my finger, he changed! He became an angry, bullying, control freak! I was raised in a home where my parents rarely ever disagreed, so I spent most of our honeymoon in the bathroom crying! Gone was the sweet and generous man I thought I loved. I would say the first year or so, if I asked and eventually begged, he would kiss me(a real lover's kiss) and give me oral sex. I spent the first few years of our marriage trying to figure out what I had done wrong? I spent the next few trying to change myself to make him happy. Then moved to denial that there as anything wrong. Then just trying to keep the peace. Now, I'm not sure that I care much anymore. Sure, I love him, but it feels more like the love I have for a close friend than a romantic love or even a family love.

Fast forward to now. I am always reminded of the line in Mrs. Doubtfire..."His idea of foreplay was Brace yourself Effie" when we have what passes for sex now. He typically will walk into my room and wake me by staring at me or grabbing a nipple. And that is foreplay. He will not kiss me on the lips at all. He will not perform any oral sex or kiss or touch any part of my body other than an occasional nipple. Once in a while if I am really dry, he will finger me, but only until I am wet enough for him to do his thing. Nevermind that I haven't had a real orgasm in maybe 15 years or so. I have had so little human physical contact that I sometimes forget what it felt like.

If I am feeling particularly inclined and try to flirt with him or initiate sex, he gets angry. For example our youngest child had a sleepover this past weekend. I wore sexy nighties and did everything right to hopefully entice him into having sex with me. I am dying to have an orgasm! He thoroughly enjoyed torturing me with innuendos and clever words, but still wouldn't budge...no sex while we had the opportunity. However, this morning he was standing over me when I woke up. (Our youngest child sleeps with me. She has seizures and other disorders.) He stood there poking me with his penis and grabbing my nipple. Well that rocked the bed and she woke up. She is old enough now that she knows something is going on.

That is an entirely different situation...he has always seemed to enjoy having sex if one of the kids was in our bed (when we still slept together), or when they were in the next room...sometimes leaving the door open. I thought for a very long time that the thought of getting caught excited him, but began to notice that it was only when we were at home. As in, we never have sex away from home...unless one of our kids is nearby.

Yes, I've tried toys...I have an arsenal of them(he pretends not to know). But I cannot seem to orgasm with them. They just aren't the same as having a warm body. I have tried porn, it's okay but he won't watch with me. I've tried pheromones, lingerie, even bought him a playboy once....nothing helps, it just makes him angry.

Anyway, probably WAY too much information, but I want you to know that you are not alone. And I hope that someone out there has a really good idea to help us both!