Okay-no hugs, bs or blowing sunshine up your *****.

Boy, has your family, especially Mom, done a number on you. You are self mutilating, contemplating suicide, miserably unhappy-and you think you don't deserve help?
(I am 63 and been through a lifetime of this kind of crap, so I'm probaly a good person to listen to.)

Here are the three things I would do first.

Get a lawyer. Let them take the burden of paperwork and proof from you. They will tell you what they need to win your case. Be smart about it. Research lawyers carefully and look for one who specializes in getting benefits. If they charge you, so what? Better to have 80% of something than 0% of nothing. And yes, you might have to apply more than once. So prepare yourself for that.

Stop discussing this with anyone. Anyone! Your relationship with your mother sounds toxic-stop giving her a target. I don't know what her issues are, but start living your own life.

Examine your feelings of guilt. Those who need help, will seek it, and you are not taking anything away from anyone. Besides-sounds to me like you are the one who could really use some help right now. And when you doubt yourself, sweetie-come here-talk to us-keep seeking counsel here.

And start looking into medicaide, food stamps-whatever programs may be out there for you. And for God's sake, get a new shrink.

And you can always pm me. Now can I give yo a hug? LC