I'm just coming back to write and vent my own personal frustrations, with the hopes that writing out my feelings might help, as it usually does.

It's been several weeks since my blow-up with my Mom, and the last time I went to the pool. I've been very busy working on this project, and there's about 3-4 weeks left before it's completed. This project has kept me incredibly busy, and I honestly haven't had time for anything else - I have a deadline and it's the priority right now. But during this time, I've been incredibly depressed, so much so that I feel lost and have no direction or feel I have a purpose in life anymore. Even with this project, I find it difficult to concentrate, as the problems with my Mom, my ex-GF and my social life are constantly in my head. It's the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning, I think about it all day, and it's usually the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. I can't wait for this project to be over so that I can go back to work full time and earn some money. As discussed in my previous posts, I'm financially tied to my Mom, and that's something that I really want to take on head on.

I haven't gone back to the pool at all. Today my ex-GF texted me to come back to the pool. I told her I can't and that I feel I don't have a choice, that my Mom has cornered me with threats, guilt trips and borderline financial blackmail. My ex responded with that I do have a choice (some more difficult that others), that she's a bully and the only way to get rid of bully behaviour is to tell her to get bent and stand up for myself, set boundaries. And she's 100% right. The problem is I can't do it, I just don't have the balls. I tried, I honestly did, but my Mom made sure she got what she wanted. No way am I going to defy her and have my own choices, at least that's her attitude.

I've talked with close friends about what's going on, and they all know my Mom and can't understand why she's doing this. They're also very surprised, as they've never seen this side of her. My friends have always liked my Mom, even when I was kid, and thought she was a great lady. One of my friends said my parents were very lucky to have a son like me, I never defied them and always respected them, never got into trouble, and was never embarrassed or ashamed (as a teenager especially) for having them accompany me everywhere for the most part. So to hear the stories of what I've been experiencing just shocks them. I can only describe it as a Jekyll and Hyde personality. I'm sure like all people, they get angry and stressed and can have a bit of Mr. Hyde in them, but this is far and beyond that, especially what I've witnessed over the last several months.

I looked into the local free group therapy groups in my area. I called them to get more information, and was told that in my particular case that the group therapy offered probably wouldn't work for my situation, and that I should seek out private counselling instead. Unfortunately with my financial situation, private counselling isn't a luxury I can afford right now.

So overall I feel miserable. I'm constantly shaking and cold, I'm tired and sore. Part of which is from not going back to the pool, I'm physically feeling the effects of the lack of exercise, exercise I got for seven years. And that's just it, I went to that same pool twice a week for seven years. Everything was fine, but the second I meet a girl there my Mom can't handle it and would rather crush me. And that's the word I constantly have in my head, CRUSHED. She crushed my spirit like I've never felt in my life. Not only have I lost my girlfriend, but my friendships at the pool and the exercise I was getting. And she doesn't care. And I can see in her overall attitude, she's perfectly content with me not going back.

However, she's told me she's been experiencing some physical medical problems, something that I don't wish to divulge in public. And it concerns me. This is a woman who absolutely hates the medical industry, as we've mostly had bad experiences with doctors and nurses in the last 25 years, so she doesn't have any faith in them. The fact that she's talking about going to see somebody suggests that something is very seriously wrong, she only goes to a doctor when she absolutely has to. So something's obviously wrong. I'm not sure if it's connected to her behaviour or not.

Nothing much else going on. I just know I have more bad days than good, I feel terrible all the time. I came across this YouTube video about over-controlling mothers: Everything he says makes perfect sense, and I know that I need to take control of my own life to make positive changes. Sigh. This is really hard for me though.

Even little things, like when there's something on TV like people talking about dating or getting married makes me depressed. Even anyone I find attractive makes me physically ill; what's the point, I'm never going to be in a relationship in my life because my Mom has decided to take full control of that aspect of my life. Like I mentioned, I feel lost with no purpose, my life is over. Yes, it's up to me to make that change, but I just don't know how. I feel trapped, like I'm in prison, but the warden is my Mother, and she doesn't care. It's almost as if this is some game to her, and that it's just a minor road bump at this point in time. Even though I've told her it isn't, this radically changed my opinion of her, and that I'll never forgive her for this. She just shrugs her shoulders and is like, oh well. It seems I need to live by her rules and lifestyle choices, and if I don't I'm out on the street and out of her life, as she told me several times.

Ugh, I'm just going in circles now. As I said, I just needed to get this off my chest. Tonight would have been a regular pool night, and missing my usual swim and social life depresses the hell out of me.