I don't expect anyone to actually respond or to even read this. It is long! I just want to complain about life and needed a place to rant.

Begin rant...so my "disorder" has really f***** up my life. Every time I start a new job, I do really well. Then a really bad depressive episode comes on, and though i function okay, it's not great. I have been at my current job for four years. I went from towards the top of my position, where I was approached to do special projects, etc to now being passed up for every good thing that comes along. I use to feel comfortable going to work, it was a place to escape all of the emotional s*** in my life. Now I hate it. I feel judged and even worse I feel stuck since I don't feel well enough to find a better job.

So in the past year and a half I have been going up and down. It's to the point that I am not able to predict how I will feel from one day to the next. Some days I am really depressed but I can function okay, other days I am so tired I have trouble keeping my eyes open at work. I have days i randomly start tearing up for no f*****g reason. I am usually able to fight my depression but lately I have had to really push myself to get out of bed and do what I have to do in life. I just want to curl up in the middle if my bed and not have to face my life.

I can't even plan things because my mood is so unpredictable right now. I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago and literally slept more than half of my vacation. I had been looking forward to my vacation for so long and I feel like it was wasted. I made plans to go to a couple of concerts this month as I have been trying to fight my social phobia and fears of large crowds. At both events, I started this annoying cough I get when I am upset and overwhelmed. Instead of panic attacks I get an asthmatic cough.

I feel uncomfortable talking to my friends. One friend is always competing with me at work and lately she has been coming up on top and bragging to me about it. Nothing like being kicked when you are down. My other friend is always so argumentative and i don't have the energy to fight her nor do I really care if she is right or wrong. I just want some normal f*****g friends that I can laugh and joke around with. Is that too much to ask for?

My family could care less that I am struggling right now. I have been really trying hard to improve myself including my personal appearance. I have been exercising more and I have been trying to fight phobias I have and have been trying to improve my brain function. Progress is so slow though and my family is not very supportive. One brother barely talks to me and it's not like I have done anything wrong. I don't drink or do drugs. I am not violent. I am just sad a lot, so not much fun to be around. My other brother is tired of hearing me complain, I don't blame him. I don't think he knows how much i struggle with this though. He thinks I have a choice. He has even suggested that someday I may be homeless if I don't improve my life. I am just tired of struggling with things other people take for granted. I just want a normal life.

I have been really suicidal lately, not that anyone really cares. I can't even go to a mental hospital for help. I am afraid I will lose my job and my insurance and not be able to support myself. Besides I heard they don't really help depressed people. I just don't know what to do anymore. How do you know if life is worth living or if you are just better of calling it quits? That is the question I have been struggling with lately.