So, for years I have dealt with mental health issues. I've been drugged outta my mind by some pdocs, ignored by others, but my current one is actually very good for me. I am currently on Topiamate (100mg dispersed throughout the day) and Lamatrogine (300mg, but pdoc wants to increase the dosage to 400mg over time). I have had several diagnosis, ranging from Depression to PTSD to Borderline Personality Disorder. That basically means that I got written off by many pdocs and therapists. However, in the autumn of 2013 I finally came outta the closet as transgender and pansexual, and I got better remarkably fast. I went from frequent hospitalization, self harm and perpetual misery, to a much brighter place. I'm still dealing with some issues, but at least I know what they are.
Now I've dropped a ton of meds, and settled on a few concrete diagnoses. I've been recently confirmed as having bipolar disorder II. I've been on lamictal for about 3 years now, and over the past few years my mind has progressively gotten duller. I'm still intelligent, I'm just less sharp and witty than I used to be. I thought it was the myriad of meds I've tried, but now I think it might have just been the Lamictal. I arrived at this conclusion because recently, with my updated diagnosis of BP II, my doc wanted to up my Lamictal because of my sleeping issues. I wasn't so fond of the idea, but I gave it a go anyway. Well, after increasing my dose from 300mg to 350mg 3 days ago, my whole world feels bland and dull. Its like... Listening to music, I can't connect to the rhythm or lyrics anymore. Reading things, I can't comprehend the emotional state of the author. Things that used to intrigue and excite me, and bring out my enthusiasm, just DON'T. Colors seem less vibrant (I'm pretty artistic, and respond well to color- if that makes sense- so that's really NOT okay), my favorite foods and exciting new flavors taste blah, smell isn't important anymore (my favorite cologne seems odorless!). I'm an incredibly tactile person, so these things are awful to me. And you know that dulling of my wit and sharpness I mentioned earlier? It's gotten worse, so much worse. I feel less excitement about things that used to engage me just a few years ago (like reading- I have a whole bookshelf full of topics that I know interest me greatly, but I can't connect with any of them at all). I have a weaker memory than I used to (I'm only 21, I shouldn't be this forgetful!) And I feel downright twitty half the time. I know I have the capability to comprehend things, and learn new things (even though retaining knowledge has become much harder in the past two or three years). I know I have the capability to learn and expand my mind, I've been tested and have an IQ of around 130-135 (see! I should have been able to recall the exact number, I was only tested 4 years ago!)
But since that increase in dosage a few days ago, I feel less capable. I'm actually kinda pissed at myself that it took nearly three years to realize that the symptoms I listed correspond with my beginning to take Lamictal. I would have never made the connection had I not had the dose increased. It irritates me to no end that I thought this dullness and blandness I've experienced was my own fault somehow; that was a huge blow to my self esteem which, hey, as someone who deals with PTSD and gender dysphoria, is already pretty damn compromised. I just experience hypomania, so honestly, I'd rather experience sleep deprivation and some agitation, and keep my creativity and sharpness. So I really would like to conclude my rant with the following questions:
1. Has anyone else reading this experienced similar side effects from Lamictal/Lamatrogine?
2. Was it difficult to talk to your pdoc and reach an understanding of what was going on, and come to agreement to decrease and eventually stop the Lamictal?
3. If you successfully weaned off the med, how bad were the side effects/withdrawal; or how quickly did you enter a (hypo)manic or depressive episode.
4. Did you ever bounce back from the dullness, if you had it? Or was it permanent?
Any help would be appreciated. Just bear in mind, I'm not talking about missing the aspects of mania- just missing the beautiful parts of life in general, and missing a huge chunk of my personality. I'm very unlikely to keep the recent increase, and downright refuse to increase more than that. I would like to drop this med totally to be honest, or at least get to as minimal amount as possible. I want a future and want to attend college, and I can't do that if my meds are dumbing me down.