How I look at it, yes if I'm alive long enough despite me getting sicker in a weird way. That's seems very subtle it crept up on me so if I'm a live 15 years down the road and still ok other than this has gotten worse then. I don't know if you call me just having a bad disorder or I'm in need of serious care and help.

I know I need it regardless which I hope I should, but I just had a thought on that. Which had happened before, they may make the argument, "well you made it this far on your own, stayed at your job, and didn't file social security claiming disability with out medication I think you'll live." Argument, when I'm telling them something different.

I feel I am dying from the symptoms itself when they happen. They feel like they can still be capable of stopping my breathing and maybe another coma anytime when it happens. I am so scared of dying young, at the same time very ill and tired of living.

I really had to let a lot go to really just look at it for what it is.

I'm really sick with something I've been born with hitting me now and I still have plenty of years ahead of me even if it's two or three. I don't really care, I just make it happen for what it is.

As a boy after my abuse I only wanted to help people, and the more I got abused the bigger of my heart got of wanting to do that. I wanted to get famous and have a huge audience for the fact I can carry that responsibility to make something out of it. I really didn't want my shame and my fame of being something to be mocked and made a public display to be an object to harm in any way possible.

I feel that this disease really helped me emotionally figure out, what I like to do. I knew after my first coma, I'm going to go back there again. It's dark, quiet, and no noise, no light no sound. I don't believe in heaven nor hell and rather like to for relevancy. In fact if I had it my way, I'd rather be safe and have what I wanted to feel all my life after I die in general. Not making a suicide note or saying something crazy to draw attention. I'm just being blunt how I had lots of meditation and just thinking on this.

I wish I could of had my daughter alive, I wish I could of been a pretty girl and be loved and nurtured as one. Not because of feeling transgender had anything to do with it. Rather, I really felt all people should be given that affection and kindness from others even if for most girls it's fake.

The fact it's there I'm ok with. The fact I'm breathing now and just find it enjoyable to vent at the times I need it most on here whether I want feedback or not. I'm just happy I get to do it.

The fact, I don't have many people I trust, but I can trust myself to make something happen when I know it's going to someday keeps me happy and sane.

I really wish this girl I like likes me back, I feel I need someone to rest on a shoulder not to cry or need anything other than rest. She's not doing the work I'm doing it myself, I just want her company. I get scared and sad when I'm alone and feeling that my fear of dying alone and suffering like my grandma has stunned me since I witnessed it first hand. I really don't want to die like that, anything but that.

I feel when it does make it so if I have to make the option of me not being able to take care of myself. I will make sure I have the last say no one will have any options I should live and die. I don't care what laws say. I found those laws disgraceful and horrifying what it did to someone I would of traded places with right then and there so she can be with my grandpa. So she can take care of my family keeping it together, and all I do is grieve my whole life is grieving and I have no shoulder to cry on. I don't like being tough, I rather just walk away not from my problems, but the people who enable them.

I'm reminded by some unusual body parts of someone I wanted to be didn't happen. The finances, I couldn't be beautiful now. I can't describe badly I want to style my hair wear makeup date a boy not marry him, but just try it as a girl see what it's like then for a serious relationship I date a girl for a real relationship. I just wanted to fall in love the way I see myself. Not how I am now, I really am more masochistic than most people I know. Sometimes I question if it's either foolish or admirable.

The things I feel and do go unnoticed especially when they really shine. I think it's what fueled my depression the most feeling like no matter how hard I contribute. I learn how the people who love me don't notice me when I want them to and call me overly emotional or dramatic.

Rather, I wanted someone to love me and just be with me as long as possible. I don't want them to go, I want to die before them, because I feel unable to alive and alone.

I think I saw too much and knew too much too early on. My childhood was completely robbed and my soul blackened on the outside and beating strong on the inside. I don't hate or despise this life, rather I find it perfect. It felt like someone and something I don't know who, but it feels familiar it always does.

I just don't want to be here forever. This emotional spot, I fear of dying like this. So I put everything away, but I've been run by fear to do positive things in my life instead of negative.

The only reason I wanted a relationship like a marriage without the ring. I wanted to feel their company keeps me sane and safe. I can be everything they want me to be, just don't leave me. I won't do anything to myself or others. I just don't like being alone and left out somewhere for a long time. I am patient and just want someone to be here.
This stayed in my heart as a very young boy and all I can think of I want her and whoever here. A friend that's all, the pain I go through is bad. I can't even begin to describe a little of it. You just have to use what you have, and all I got is a psychosis made up world from very foundation of my imagination of my early life and it grew up with me and everything to make it relevant to make it more positive.
My friends ask why I don't make sense when I talk in person. Why I sound like someone who lost touch in reality?

Well maybe I needed to forget where I'm at, and I did a great job at that and still am. I won't come out for anyone or anything. I'm not unhappy here, it just makes me mad why people want to harm me for things they don't understand.