Today started good. Managed to do some of my chores - I now plan them ahead and set deadlines for myself, I find it easier that way. Over the last days I felt better (meds working, I guess) but still not good. In the afternoon my mood went from okayish to bad. I was not crying but I felt like I should die because I was afraid of being alone. I kept thinking over and over about my mom which is the only person I truly care about (my dad too but to far lesser extent that I'd like to admit), how she is getting old and how her clock is ticking. I thought I don't really care about my own "clock" ticking, one great fear I have is being left alone. It's so unbearable I am really considering suicide just to avoid the risk of being left alone. I believe I may be unable to make friends. This is probably false, since I had friends and I remember this as being the best time in my life apart from childhood. It brings a smile to my face to think about that period (when I was 14-16). That feeling of having someone to talk to after going back from school, being anxious to see my buddies again, the fun we had together. Wow it feels like another life to me. I don't know why but it feels like it can't be like that again. Logic says I am perfectly capable of finding people I could share interests with, maybe even a girlfriend, but something dark inside me says I can't and it is driving my crazy !

Anyway, my depression is like 75 % of what it was before meds (1 week of escifulopram) and my OCD is like 70 % strong. Starting 10 mg now so it should drop down further.