ive noticed that between the ages of 20 and now (24) (and hopefully going on) that ive had this burst...a really EXTREME burst of intellectual advancement going on inside of me. my knowledge of things have just advanced like ten-fold. ive weirdly become ...well bluntly...extremely smart. with that said i have pushed myself to learn all that i can learn about a different array of topics. but its been like extreme. yet i still dont have that much self esteem about what i know.

also with that said...when i took medicine for long periods of time in the past and when i take it now - when im on it i cant think. i feel as if i never learned anything. i cant read right. reading anything. i have extreme trouble learning things on meds. i feel very dumb and just depressed. nevermind the lack of motivation because i cant even understand simple words on meds.

been thinking about this for a couple of years. it seems very obvious that i cant function normally on meds yet i cant function how society wants me to function off them. meaning i cant do simple everyday tasks on meds that anyone else can do. and off meds im a driving intellectual and motivated force that just cant stop until i probably get into trouble. not all the time obviously but every once and awhile.

it seems like being on meds is the ultimate punishment. on meds im not even like everyone else im like below everyone else. like im an invalid. literally. like a prisoner.