HI, Labyrinth. Welcome.

It's really not easy to go and just give you advice cause there's obviously so much more than what you could bring yourself to write about here.
One thing, though: do you ever have time alone with yourself? Or do you go from one relationship to another nonstop?

Isn't there one single person you could talk to that wouldn't be biased or turn it to gossip or be only silent? Like a relative or something?

Did you use to see him on a daily basis? Would you be able to be in a relationship with him or somebody else where there would be space and time for being with yourself and thinking about something else (as opposed to being with your posse and talking about him knowing that the information will go right back to his ears)?

Hope it helps you think and maybe get a new perspective on it.

Good luck and peace.