i have had 3 long-term relationships, if not serious. i admit that i went from my first "serious" boyfriend of about a year to being alone for some time (half a year). he was the one who made me feel very horrible about myself, he constantly berated me and put me down.. but he was my first "love", some guy i had found who i thought was someone i could be with for a while. i was very impressionable then, and i believed most, if not all, of what he said. i was controlled in that relationship, i could go on about the things i did for him. i called at the same time everynight, almost lost 3 of my friends to him - one of which he told me not to be friends with, that she was annoying and "ruining" us. i almost did, i almost forced myself to lose her, but i woke up one day and realized that i didn't want to be controlled. i left him.

i met my ex-boyfriend afterwards and we had a thing together, we liked each other, but nothing had happened then; i moved on and found another guy, he was 3 years older than i was, and i immediately felt more comforted. i don't know what it is about security, but he gave me a secure feeling. i admit, i probably feel more secure with a man than i do with myself. but as for being controlled, Mike (which is his name), never seemed to make me feel threatened. he knew my previous relationship and it's ways, and made me feel accepted. but it quickly soured after being pampered and suffocated with large amounts of affection and i couldn't take it anymore.

this is where it gets kind of sketchy. to make stories short, i left mike for my now ex-boyfriend, and it was a very short leap. for the 2 years about i felt more comfortable with chris than my past boyfriends.. i thought i was better with him, i saw my friends, but admit that maybe no so much as i saw my boyfriend; i never lost anyone, but i still felt "secure."

let me further explain myself. i have no self confidence, i have no self-esteem, i constantly need someone to help guide me, for i am afraid of being alone. now it isn't so bad, these past few weeks i feel more steady, but still shaky. i need guidance, i need to have some help as to what i can do to help myself.

as for talking to someone who doesn't go off and gossip, i do have a few. i don't like talking to my mother, because she was married to my father for 14 years and was controlled herself. the only thing she said to me that i find useful was, "i'm sorry." because i watched her become submissive, and i think i learned that. but i do have a guy friend who i have been recently talking to more, he has a girlfriend, he understands and listens. he doesn't necessarily like chris, but he tries to make me see both sides of the situation. but he is leaving for college tomorrow, and our communication will probably be slimmer since we've both got school going (but it isn't so far away).

in me and chris's relationship, i saw him alot. alot. alot. i always did, i always was over his house or we were going out or something. at first he seemed to not care, he liked hanging out alot. but we're older now, seniors, and he's thinking about the future, and i am too. i have been trying to spend more time with myself, but whenever i do i think of things like, "what could i have done.." i don't know where to begin.

i remember he told me, "if you keep trying, you'll never get anywhere." as if, i have to DO it, not TRY. but how do i do something that i'm still vague on? that i need to figure out?

i am very committed, but i am also very attached. i read a very good quote the other day...

"mature love is not 'i love you because i need you', rather, 'i need you because i love you'."

and i understand i fell under the first category.

"If we deny love that is given to us,
if we refuse to give love because we fear the pain of loss,
then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."