Have you ever felt attached to your pdoc? Or connected?

I have a history of never getting along with any pdoc I have had. I have never gotten attached to a pdoc, nor have I ever felt a connection.

I have had 6 pdocs in 8 years. The 1st was a woman; the rest all men. Didn't matter, couldn't get along with any of them. Even if I start out thinking one is okay, I end up hating him in the end.

As far as my current pdoc, I started out thinking he was okay. He was the first doctor to really treat me with the resepct of recognizing that I am very knowledgable about a lot of the medicines. He was the first doctor in which I really felt we worked together to pick a medication. He included me, and trusts me to have a big part in managing my own medication crap. He was respectful of my extreme fear of going back on meds after 4 years, and never pushed me.

But little by little, he started to annoy the %#@&#! out of me. I grew increasingly annoyed with him until I just hated him. Gets to the point where if I see him, it basically ruins my mood for the whole day. I normally see him right before my session with T because it's much easier on my schedule. On those days, I normally have a very anger-driven session with my T.

Last month I had a session with my pdoc. I couldn't even look at him. Couldn't talk to him. Would only nod or give yes/no responses. Shrugged a lot. Gave him a terrible attitude. (Very mature, I know). Wanted to make sure that he knew I couldn't stand him.

I guess for me, the medication aspect is the hardest part of having an illness, or whatever it is you wanna call it. I feel like if I'm going to be on meds, then they should help. I feel like the meds are going to %#@&#! me up, take away my emotions, flat line my personality. So I take this all out on the pdoc, I guess. He is supposed to wave the magic wand and make me better. If not, then he is the one responsible for me still feeling bad.

Incidentally, I called him last week because I'm having a real problem with my meds. He called me back on Saturday morning, but I didn't hear my phone ring... he left a message telling me to leave him a message back, letting him know when the best time for him to get in touch with me on Monday would be. So I left him a msg., saying to call after 5 PM on Monday. Well............... It's almost Friday. %#@&#!. You'd think I would try to give the guy a break, and maybe just be mature and call back.

So anyway, that was the (very) long answer to my question.