....i think the following is a "rant"...

...maybe not...

i've been having a time today and tonight with my feelings about my therapist. i was driving and this song by Michael Bublé comes on, called Home. Why do I always allow myself to be triggered by songs?

Some the lines go:
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And then later:
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

It just hit me like a fist and I really got to missing my therapist...and I justed want to call her up and leave a message simply saying: "I miss you."

But I don't let myself, because I'm afraid and anxious and nervous. Me and my T are still "on break" and just now starting to discuss my return...via some formal questions I gave her. I don't want to call with some "sappy" words like "I miss you" that may sway how she responds to my formal questions. (Some of them have to do with how she really feels about working with me.) If I call with the words "I miss you", no matter how true, they could compromise things and make her feel some "sentimental obligation" to answer the questions how I want to hear them, as opposed to what is real.

There is not much about myself that I like, much less love, except that part which is represented by my "inner child" or what I call "5 year old" . This 5 year old is innocent, curious and loving as far as I can tell. This is the "me" that I can willingly do things for. The rest of me, well, I am not very generous with meeting the needs of the rest of me. So I wonder, is this "need" to call my T and tell her "I miss you" coming from a 5 year old's need or from the other parts of me? Either way, it seems I cannot call, less I risk messing up the clarity of my therapist's reponses to my formal questions. And even if the 5 year old is the facet of me that is really missing her now...sometimes 5 year olds don't know what is best for them...so I have to sit this boy down and say "sorry, we can't tell her this yet."

from a 5 year old's perspective, however, it just doesn't make sense and that it is silly to deny my missing her. all the "impatient" 5 year old sees is that he misses her and wants to relieve that pain and discomfort.

when I first discussed this break from therapy with my therapist, I said all parts of me were in agreement on needing this break. but when i had my last session and then went home, my 5 year old sort of "woke up" and I realized I did NOT "ask" all parts of me. I had forgotten the 5 year old and he had a "panic attack" of sorts and immediately wanted to know when I would go back to therapy. I told that part of me I didn't know and truthfully didn't know if I ever would. But I tried to assure the 5 year old he wasn't at fault for this break. But I don't think the 5 year old believed me then, or believes me now.

In addition to the fear of messing up the clarity of my therapist's answers (so that I'm not sullying it with the "sappy sentimentality" of missing her)...I fear: what if I tell her "I miss her" and she doesn't care anymore? I don't want open myself to that pain, to make myself vulnerable to that rejection.

i think part of me knows I shouldn't rely on others for my own worth...but it is said "no man is an island" and even if I shouldn't rely on others for my worth, I will still not do very well without someone to love me or care for me or something of that like. i'm surely not thriving in this life now being alone.

as far as I can tell that 5 year old in me just wants to see his "mommy" (my therapist) and give her a hug and have her put bandages on all his scrapes and bruises, read him a book, and tuck him in for nap. he has no agenda, no ill-will, and no malice - he just wants to be close to someone, to the therapist. but it is so hard to know what percentage of me is that 5 year old's need or the need of the rest of me (the rest of me that I'm not as generous with).

some part of me says that this disctinction shouldn't matter because, even if the older parts of me have needs, they are still needs of the same body/person...or...said another way: all roads go through 5 year old. if say, the 16 year old in me has a need for love, it just a carry over from the 5 year old.

trouble is...i have trouble feeling the 5 year old is still alive. I feel he may be just an apparition or a "ghost" from the past haunting me.

so i'll likely just go on "missing my therapist" without telling her, at least for a couple weeks, and then I will reassess.... and just try to assure that 5 year old part of me that there is a reason for it.