I'm feeling relaxed and awake. 12 hours awake. Very little paranoia. I always keep that to myself but the abilify really helps. It's been a few months since I've had severe psychotic symptoms.

I don't understand how I can be this much better. I will not question it either. I was in such mental pain that I will never forget. Psychosis is the worse pain along with anxiety, akathesia, paranoia, frustration of delusions and obsessive thinking, agitation and incoherent thoughts and thinking.. That I had almost every day just piling on the risperidone.

I have so much sympathy for psychosis because it's a pain that shouldn't be allowed to be that bad.. If there's a god, half mercy.. Or at lease a little mercy, whatever..

Thanks to those that gave me hugs and such even though I said I didn't want hugs. And thanks to those that stood with my apathetic paranoia disguised by fear of close relationships. It's means something to how I can get better and make relationships without being symptomatic. It's so scary to be in connection with a person in fear of being manipulated, psychologically harmed, brainwashed, lied to, basically the whole connection being a lie and not knowing what is real.

In quatsi-psychosis, I've learned to trust myself without needing reassurance but I don't know if it's possible in complete psychosis. I don't think it is.

It meant a lot when I was getting really bad and asked for a thanks or hug to reassure me that what I was thinking was real. NO ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS THIS KNOWS HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO REASSURE WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT.

You are all very very strong. Next time you're on the razor sharp edge of paranoia or akathesia something like that, remember that you aren't alone. It's a different world.

See you on the dark side if the moon :/





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