Trigger

It was really helpful to read all your responses, thanks.

My therapist doesn't do a lot of stuff that other's Ts do that I read about here (not just this thread), but he cares about me in many ways. He is dependable and reliable and listens with interest. He tries to help me. He almost always responds to my texts, though not the way I really want. But I think all of this is his job (well maybe not the regular texting contact but therapy with trauma patients can be harmful without some sort of between session contact) so it's difficult to me to equate that to caring about me. Part of this mindset is the transference I mentioned in the OP.

I would love it if he checked in with me, but I don't need or expect that. I also wouldn't do well with a therapist who gets reactive all the time. But I think I need him to be protective of me sometimes--my psychological safety. Sometimes it seems cruel that he draws out such intense emotion from me, then lets me fend for myself. And although he will text me back, which helps emotionally regulate me, i recently almost had a breakdown, and he abandoned me when I cried out for help. I felt like I was in danger of harming myself. I usually don't tell him of sui feelings, or if I mention them, it's brief and I don't go into detail. But this time it came on intensely and I was more scared than I ever was while in therapy. I reached out to him, and he ignored me. It triggered such intense emotion, and it made this 'sign' sort of cancel out all the other signs that he might care. That's why i'm struggling right now.

Mostly I don't want him to be reactive either, but when he seemed angry at me recently, it made me feel like he might be attached to me too, which is probably what I really want. hmm.

Maybe I'm afraid of his caring about me. That's another thing I realized from this thread.