I didnt want to go to T today. I consiously was thinking about it being the last one for a week, and as its only a week I wasn't feeling to bothered, or so I thought.

I also felt resistence to going because of the amount of exposure I revealed of myself on Mondays session re a traumatic incident and T asking me how I dealt with it back then, and I replying, by acting tough. I couldnt get that 10yr old with arms folded tight and then for me to be crying in the session on monday.

When I arrived I said I didnt want to be there, then silence THEN a very clear awareness of this other person telling me not to go, not to talk,to reveal. I felt very imtimidated by this part and T was trying to get me to talk but the resistence and confusion was hard.

Eventually because I was scared, I said theres a battle going on for who is here today. T said can't you both be here? Well that threw me, threw the other one too and then the fight began.

I sat lost listning to this inner battle, until I found the strenght to say to T that a voice is saying "ok fine, you be here then" with that I just started crying.

I almost fell asleep and couldnt open my eyes because everything had become to bright. We must have sat for 20mins confused. Then T asked if I wasn't feeling hurt because of the break? and afraid to bring and show that hurt to her today???

Geez, did that fit! she said also that it seemed I was afraid to let her in to my hurt because then she would be right inside me and hurt me some more. Geez that fit too.

I told her I dont understand what next week is about. I dont get it, it just feels like shes doing it to hurt me. T nodded and said yes I know you feel like that, you feel I'm doing it in spite of your feelings, like your bio mother walked away despite of your feelings.

Gulp, as I drove home the reality of the fact that the original hurt wasn't done by T and cannot be fixed exactly by T, the original hurt has already happened, I can't no longer deny the hurt caused to and against ones identity to have your birth mother walk away. Its a wound so deep.

On the drive home I could see how I've tried unconsioulsy to fix that wound perfectly, to wipe out the original wound, but that cant be done, what is done is done. T taking a break next week is nothign to do with me, its not another abandoment, she can't abandom me in the same way.

The original wound/hurt has been split of and denied by me for so long that it is so unknown to me and appears as "another" it fights me, it does whatever it has to, to stay hidden, today and monday it had the light shined right on it.

I feel like theres another part to me now that is part of me, my hurt, my pain, its a feeling of wholeness, its less scary, i'm not on the defence so much because I've seen it, I know its there and I know I can bleed if someone hurts me, the game is up.