i was at the drs today about something very basic (allergic reaction) and 'the' question came up that I have been avoiding for nearly a year... have I been receiving all my recalls and reminders that my pap smear is overdue, and will we do it today? Up til now I have worried myself sick that I might get asked this during a consultation, but never gave it a thought today as it is so unrelated. Stupid computer files!! Had panic attack then said would make an appt for another time. It was the very 1st reminder that started the whole trigger process for me last yr; that brought up every memory and started the whole process into finding out 'the truth' and questioning my life. So really I guess, this is totally my biggest, HUGEST trigger and if it wasn't for that letter last yr I might not be where I am now (not a bad place but a very uncomfortable place in my life). So now I am thinking of avoiding the drs at all costs; well, unless it is crucial. Which also isn't a good thing esp as I have a physical condition requiring constant visits...Ok, so I am just confused and needed to write this out before I get to bed, which I have already avoided for the past several hours...Confused in every way... (drugs given today not helping here, feeling kinda spaced actually, head spinning etc lol). This is all prob not helped by my anxiety towards my t session coming up on monday. We started last time at looking at some stuff I wrote down during a period of dissociation. I had NO idea I had written what we went over last time, nothing to do with these issues but scary nonetheless, so am totally dreading what is next. I am ready and NEED to do this, but I have been having flashes of what I wrote, so have some idea of what i might be facing next. And this- my trigger- is central to this all, the crux of ALL of this; the precipitator to all that has occured this yr.

I really hope I can get some sleep before the kids wake. And p.s. IT IS SOOOO COLD AT THE MO!!! MIGHT INVEST IN AN ELECTRIC BLANKET TOMORROW LOL!!!!