Didn't want to start a new thread about the "Many woes of my post klonopin withdrawal nightmare" due to I am already past being redundant and repetitive. Still this is what is ruling and taking over my life. I guess I seem very self involved and absorbed. I'm not sure that anyone can experience this and not be.

When I woke up today, after my 6 hours of restless sleep, I was lying in my bed contemplating it all. Do I get up and start another crappy day or try to get some more zzz's? Since lying there in peace and silence is not possible...the very loud constant ringing in the ears is still here and will NOT go away!!! I try to figure out why the hell it won't. I have been off the medicine for 22 months now except for one or two tablets to rescue me from intolerable feelings of anxiety and my mom's funeral. No way could I get through that without it at that point in my recovery.

After contemplating this all for a bit, I have come to the conclusion that there is definitely not any relief in sight anytime soon evidently. When I did take the rescue doses, I felt super calm and could sleep a whole night but an overwhelming dark depression came over me that was just too awful for words. That continued until the med wore off. So I realize now that I have 2 choices, I can either feel completely horrible all the time with the ear ringing, trembling, anxiety, gastrointestinal distress, headaches daily and constant feeling of worry with dread OR take klonopin again and be super depressed with likely renewed symptoms of borderline personality and suicidal thoughts. Not to mention having to find a doctor that would be willing to prescribe it for the rest of my life or the continuous ongoing fight to obtain it illegally. Plus the risk of having it taken away from me cold turkey once again and repeating the nightmare of withdrawals once again.

It's definitely a double edged sword with no good choices. I can expect absolutely NO, none, nada help from the medical community. I would be hard pressed to find a doctor that would even seem to understand my predicament, much less try to help me in any way. I am alone in my fight.

I decided back when this all started to try to work through and survive the awfulness of withdrawal, having no idea what I was facing. I have and still am suffering to what seems to be no end in sight. The people on benzobuddies support site that are in my same situation talk about how they just feel like they should be "put down", like a suffering animal. That is pretty disheartening to me. There are a few success stories, after 3-7 years of this suffering, they seem to feel much better but incredibly still have symptoms! That just seems like such cruel and unusual punishment, to coin the legal term.

It does make one wonder, "what did I ever do in my little insignificant life to piss off some deity and deserve to live in a constant hell?"

I think that sums it up!!!