I understand exactly how you feel, Mefisto, I was raised by an abusive brute with some really serious gender role issues - he was the alpha male to the public, mr outdoorsman and always willing to take on anyone, but in private a very hardcore transvestite with an enormous collection of women's undergarments etc and who believed he had a monthly period etc.

And he dealt with his internal conflicts by taking it out on me in many ways including always berating my masculinity and telling me I was gay which in his book was some kind of abomination (noting quite as ridiculously ironic as being called the f word by a man wearing a padded bra, panties, silk stockings garters etc). And I was NEVER allowed to interact or participate with other boys socially or in sports etc. my mom was also imprisoned by his abusiveness, so I had only her to be around most of my life and learned things not considered masculine like how to do housework, cook, etc.

So I grew up questioning my masculinity - never my sexuality, I always knew from when I was old enough to know that I was into girls/ women - but I felt totally inadequate, completely awkward, noting in common etc. it was depressing and demeaning. And I kept myself that way as an adult for decades because I was too afraid to find my voice or my true self. And I actually became quite overweight many times in my adult life, 40-50-60 lbs - food and fat became a good excuse to avoid living and to just take the path of least resistance.

I had a tremendous and ugly life crisis a couple of years ago and all of the pigeons came home to roost so to speak. And it almost destroyed me - and I realized I would have to do everything different, heal my childhood wounds, become a new guy all around.

I did so many things in the past couple of years I never dreamed I would - from joining a gym to taking boxing lessons to becoming more assertive about bad customer service.

No I won't ever be alpha, I'm not physically built to look like a body builder or some buffed celeb pretty boy. It is too late to be a CEO or some other power broker. But I am becoming the best man I can be and I am having a great time doing it.

Not knowing your T or relationship with him I can 't say for sure, but that comment bothers me. It seems very limiting and even a bit cruel.

You never know what life is gonna throw at you or how you will handle it - change happens two ways - by choice and by necessity - never say never and never stop working towards your goals. Finally realize change can take a long time and that it rarely moves at a steady pace - it can be long lulls followed by sudden cataclysmic change.

Hang in there man, you will get there.