Thanks, everyone. But, I have to admit that I'm a bit confused. Surely Ts have some expectations - maybe not super strict, maybe not rules, but... you know, things they take for granted that we're doing or saying, and that they would be surprised to find out that we weren't.

So, for example, I do know one expectation. My T wants me to tell him when he does something that makes me uncomfortable. He understands that I usually can't do that "in real time" (when it's happening), but wants me to try to bring it up as soon as possible afterwards. Knowing that he expects this, it's been easier for me to do it. I don't think he'd be angry if I didn't, but... I think he might be surprised, because we've talked about this and he's shown that he's OK with me bringing up things.

I also know that he expects me to not just disappear... to do a termination session. I've been seeing him for around six months, so I think that at this point, that's a fair request. Obviously, that's not something I'd do if I'd only seen him for 1 or 2 sessions, but at this point, there's enough of a relationship that I feel like it would be disrespectful to not do that.

With the SI stuff... I don't really know. I don't know if he'd be surprised to find out that I had done it, and not talked about it... even if it's not an expectation in the sense of a "rule", it might be an expectation in the sense of... it would surprise him, because he assumed that I knew that that was something that's important to come and talk about?

I just don't know?

Striking said... "Reads like the title should be "what do I want from therapy for me". I wonder if these reactions and behaviors are due to not finding the relief or outlet you need or want because you are hiding so much."

Ooh. Thanks. Yeah, I'm struggling with whether I want/need to be in therapy, what I can get out of it, especially given that therapy generally destabilizes me and makes me feel worse about my life. I wonder if trying to go back to therapy was an expensive mistake. I'm working on the "hiding" part - I've talked to T about this (just at the last session even!) and have told him pretty much all my stuff (slowly, trickled out over the months). This is the first T that I've told all this too. And that's great. But I'm still not sure it's going to help anything.

Basically... previously I was in therapy. It was awful, I fell apart, I was a depressed, miserable, awful mess that cried all the time, SI-ed, and couldn't cope. I left therapy, and got better. Stabilized, stopped the SI, and considerably cut down on the crying. I'm afraid that being back in therapy is pulling me back into all the crappy emotional stuff, and that I *function* better when I don't have to deal with it, even if it makes me not as fully "human", maybe.

*thanks*