My son is away for ten days and I'm really struggling. Not so much with him being away because i know he's having an amazing holiday with his dad, is happy and healthy, and we've had some text contact. It's just that when i'm a triggered mess, i very rapidly lose focus on why i'm supposed to stay alive if he's not here right in front of me.

Slowly regaining more movement in my neck, but the nerve to my arm is still trapped so the pain is still pushing me to the limit.

Physio continues to be a triggering nightmare. On Tuesday, I was asked to lie down for treatment and i couldn't do it, just fell apart, sobbing and shaking. Dissociated. Left. Ended up cancelling Friday's session. Somehow i have to make myself go back there tomorrow.

Have had two therapy sessions. Both painful, too deep too soon, left feeling raw. Dissociated on the stairs after the last one - T found me when he was leaving 45 minutes later which shocked both of us. He sat with me for ages, bringing me back, grounding, supporting. But i feel like therapy is just another thing wrecking me right now.

Care manager came to my house for our session on Friday as I was such a freakin' mess and he was concerned that i wouldn't make it to him. I've been honest about how bad the ideation is and we talked about respite over the long weekend, but i chose to stay at home. Not sure that was such a great idea as I ended up having to call crisis today and get talked down from a very bad place.

Everything feels too much. But i keep telling myself i have to stay safe so i don't screw up my son's childhood.