Quote:
Originally Posted by guilloche
Basically... previously I was in therapy. It was awful, I fell apart, I was a depressed, miserable, awful mess that cried all the time, SI-ed, and couldn't cope. I left therapy, and got better. Stabilized, stopped the SI, and considerably cut down on the crying. I'm afraid that being back in therapy is pulling me back into all the crappy emotional stuff, and that I *function* better when I don't have to deal with it, even if it makes me not as fully "human", maybe.
|
Hmm. Just curious, why did you go back to therapy?
When I locked myself in the house for 6 years, I was sort of functioning. I wasn't an emotional mess. I didn't even SI. Yeah, not stepping outside the house at all was a problem, but I was emotionally stable. But I realized I wasn't living my life. I, in a sense, stopped living. Once I stepped outside my house, reality came crashing down on me. I couldn't survive on my own, so I decided to go back to therapy. I'm now living my life...slowly... and it's difficult. There's the unknown and pain and frustration. There's people who can care and love me, but who can also hurt me or abandon me. I am overwhelmed by all the feelings and thoughts. I had several SI relapses. Sometimes I think that it would be better to lock myself up again. But that wasn't helping me either.
I guess this sums up my perspective: "Seek the truth or bury your head in the sand. Both require digging." Andrew Nolan
As far as the expectation to tell your T about the SI: are you feeling guilt because you haven't told him? Why is it you haven't told him? Is it shame? Fear? Not wanting to give it up yet?
I haven't SI'ed in 6 months? (I don't keep track) The desire is still there. I tell my T when I have the thoughts of SI or even SUI. It is an expectation that I tell her. For good reason: it allows her to know where I'm at emotionally. We just talk about it: what's causing them, the details, why I want to follow through, why I don't. And then she reminds me of my coping skills.
Maybe if you tell your T about the SI, he can help you work on it so that you don't feel like you need it in order to cope with therapy? Maybe instead of him having expectations of you, you have expectations of yourself? Or maybe you want expectations in order to keep yourself accountable?
If I'm wrong about any of this ignore me
