There isn't really a point to this thread really..except for it being a visceral way to examine how I am feeling, and writing is something I haven't been doing that really helps me to express a lot. I also enjoy it.

I can't help but reflect lately. On how I have gotten into this mess version of myself. I started a new job again recently, I will be working full time, teaching classes for my traders well, and it's a great opportunity. I'm very grateful but it's going to take me a while to start making decent money again, having to build clientele again. I'm moving out of my moms basement next month, which has been such a source if stress being here. It's just still hard for me to muster up the strength to do just daily tasks at times. I honestly just don't feel human right now. I'm just having flashbacks and feelings of shame and guilt over the things I have done over the past couple years, and some of my thoughts. I just feel stunted. I never thought I would be in this life situation. If someone would have said all this stuff would happen to me just a few years ago, I most definitely would not have believed. It rocks me to my core that I can't get any lost time back. I'm moving forward but I don't feel like myself. Everything just seems so daunting, and the level of deep insecurity and feeling unsure of myself is crippling at times. I miss my humor and energy and mostly my innocence. I don't always feel this way, but I'm dealing with so much right now that it is overwhelming at times how different I seem, in my eyes. I am still only 31, but I feel like I'm playing catch up. I was so independent in my 20's, before my world was flipped upside down, and now I just feel like I'm always hiding something. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed, and I just really am feeling nostalgic about the old me. It's like I haven't made amends with myself yet, and today I'm just hurting.

Going to put on a happy face, finish cleaning, run some errands and go check out a mutual friends place I'm supposed to move into. That's another thing. I miss having friends that I don't constantly cause me to judge myself so critically for losing who I was. I just miss having fun with friends..really being able to chill, and not be looked at constantly, like ok, is she ok? Anyway, sorry to be a bummer! It's good to get out though.
Thanks and have a good day everyone!!