thanks, all, for your kind and understanding replies

i ended up calling him today to leave a message and give him a heads up that i had something to tell him and i just wanted to let him know and that he might be angry, but if he could try not to be that would help (we meet tomorrow)

he called back (which i didn't expect) and i - with way more drama than was at all necessary - told him

he wasn't angry or disappointed (though i did sense some annoyance that i had found the info. as the first thing he said was, "well, it wasn't a good idea for you to go looking for information about me, but we can talk about that")

and he said that our work together wouldn't end because of this. he promised. (which, frankly, i think is naive of him - he doesn't know what might happen) and he kind of told me this happens, people find out.

i was not very charitable or socially correct. i hope it will be easier to offer him a congratulations when i see him. i was too afraid he'd be angry to say it and mean it this time around and just forgot as we were only on the phone eight minutes.

the main question i have to face is just whether i need it to end because of this - because of the things inside me it kicks up. confronting my crap from childhood through his actual, real life seems unfair to him.

but all i feel is kind of a sense that he is perfect, and i'm some kind of broken disease.

i'd even been having a fantasy lately (which i'd shared) that there is a "me" in a hospital bed that he's talking to, looking out at a couple with an infant. in that fantasy, i'm some kind of disease and if i can get rid of myself - the couple and the infant will be happier in their life, particularly the mother. sometimes the couple was me and my husband; sometimes it was T and who i imagine his wife to be...

at the time i wondered if it had to do with my being hospitalized as a child and left there in illness, while my parents stayed with my younger brother.

now i have to wonder - when Ts *don't* disclose major things, when we're doing deeper work over several years - how can that *not* affect therapy?


I'm sure he'll tell me his plans for paternity leave. I think he has enough of a 'cushion' that he can afford to take several weeks, if not a few months. The rational me hopes he does take the time, bond with baby, have special moments, etc.

of course, the emotional me feels like a three year old who has just been told she wasn't very important to begin with, and now she's being replaced with something more amazing and important than she can ever be...

thanks again for the understanding replies. my T is a good one, and I feel bad if I've crossed some boundary - but, I kind of do think that anything someone puts online is food for thought. My employer can Google me anytime, look at my Facebook, or run a background check...and I'd better be prepared for the consequences. I'm not sure why a T would expect any different.