I'm not sure what your question is. Part of the human condition is to question our existence. Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and you are trying. Depression makes us look at all the negatives. You are welcome to express your feelings here. Listening here with you...
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Pegasus
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein