All good considerations. Having been there before (ended this past summer), she has access to notes from my previous therapist there (saw someone else for 4 months in between). I have the skills to get through the day if the flashbacks are not very overwhelming. Once they hit a certain point though, and I'm cooked.
There is no real sense of safety yet with this particular t, but there is with the concept of the agency. They deal exclusively with sexual assault and child abuse issues. I've recently realized I think I would be ok speaking with *anyone* at the agency about the flashbacks because I am trusting they have a better concept of how to deal with them than a *general* t would. I'm close to blurting out the details of them anyway every time I open my mouth lately, so I may just introduce that as something I really need to talk to her about asap (hopefully I can say some of it Wednesday, but if not details, maybe just talking about what they are about will help). My other worry is that I tend to have trouble putting that stuff away once it's "opened"... though lately it's always "open".
The sh and sui stuff tends to be an unintentional distraction for me. It's always there to varying degrees. The closer I get to talking about the trauma stuff, the louder it becomes. It's just easier to talk about that stuff than it is the reasons behind that stuff. In talking to the clinical supervisor when I asked to return to the agency, we agreed that is not intentional, but I distract via crises. It's something the agency and the t are aware of, so we are trying not to get side-tracked more than is necessary to assess and maintain safety. Their expectation (and my own) is that I will do everything in my power to keep safe, or ask for help with it.
I guess with new t having access to old t's notes, she will also know some of the history, though not with specifics because there are very few specifics in the notes.

I guess I want to tell her what helps me to ground before I push my way into the stuff that causes dissociation. So maybe that first? Then talk about the fears around the flashbacks, and hopefully get into the flashbacks a bit? I fear if I don't open up about them, they will continue to intensify the way they have in the past. Not talking about them when the internal push to disclose was this intense has landed me inpatient before. I know it's not guaranteed to go the same way, but so far things have repeated themselves...
I know this all may be pointless at the time I reach her office and find again that I'm stuck and cannot utter any words...
am I putting too much pressure on myself?