For the last three weeks especially I have been rapid cycling between mixed and hypomanic states. Self-medicating way too much and struggling to get a handle on it. My anti-depressant is being reduced as it may be the cause of this craziness. Feel like I barely have control on my illness at the moment and am terrified as to what is coming next. Today I was as high as a kite, loving life and feeling so productive. I went to sleep feeling well and have woken in the middle of the night wired and unstable. I have been drinking too much as well as smoking pot. It seems the more unstable I get the greater the desire to get 'off my face' I have. I want to stop so I can have a chance at being stable but I am really having trouble doing this while in a mixed state or hypo. It also means I miss my nightly dose of Lithium as it does not wash down well with alcohol (i actually throw it up if I take it)

My therapist is fully aware of this and we have come up with a short-term plan for me to reduce my drinking and smoking and get back onto my usual med schedule. I came home from that session today and got drunk. It was like I was already rebelling against the plan. My T asked me if I was in control and I said yes (of coarse I am, I'm hypomanic!)...he didn't seem convinced. In fact things are spiraling out of control. I feel like I am fighting myself here. On one hand I want to be well and look after myself on the other hand I don't give a ##ck and the wildness inside me takes over. It is so hard to not self-medicate when in an episode. How do I get control of this while still swinging dramatically and falling into intense, wild mixed states?? Part of me didn't want to write this post as I wan to continue to self-destruct but the real me wants to find stability, if that is at all possible. I am not suicidal and my life is going well outside my BP issues so it is purely due to the mixed states that I get self-destructive. I don't know what any of you can say. I just wanted to get this out there.