I have burnt three lives to the ground. Each time it ends with me couch surfing seemingly endlessly , quitting everything, and then gradually building it all back. I have daily cycles, and then like longer cycles that seem to last days, weeks, I think a couple time months. But then I also have the sense that I have these super long cycles, that can last years almost. Like even as I cycle from day to day, that that is happening with in some part of some big grand cycle that might take a year or more to resolve. I say that because I can look back at my life starting at about high school and see these looooooong lows, and then gradually these looooooooong highs, that eventually peak and then crash, and then another loooooooooooong low... Etc... This is how I explain repeatedly getting the impulse to completely tare my life down. Dunno if that resonates, but I feel ya... And building back is so hard. Don't think I could do it again.
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Whether you are a big deal or a small deal, there is always some kind of a deal going on.
- Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
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