I made it to physio, but it took so much energy and i was really not in a good place. We talked a little about the injury itself, a separate joint issue i have which is exacerbating things, the nerve pain, the progress i'm making with home exercises, and also about the upcoming neuro consult. I think we were both working hard to try to dial my anxiety down, but as soon as S. started working on my neck directly, i lost it. Tears, shaking, body memories. Just so much mess.

Even worse, for the first time she couldn't continue through it (usually i tell her to just carry on) as i was fighting her. Not in a conscious kind of way - she could tell i was trying to do full movements, my body (mind?) just would not comply.

I apologised profusely (so much shame), and once i'd stopped shaking and crying, we switched to trying out another exercise that i can do by myself. That went fine.

Afterwards, I cried more. Body is still somewhere else. Feel so fragile and messed up. Should be emailing my T, and checking in with my care manager again, but can't face it. I know they care, and want to support me, but i don't have the words to explain what i'm thinking and feeling clearly at the moment so contact feels like one more stressful and scary thing to deal with.

Even this has taken me ages to write 'cos i keep crying.