Thanks... and sorry for taking so long to get back. Today was a little crazy, and I have therapy tomorrow and am kind of exhausted already.

Thanks for all the feedback! It's interesting to see how differently we can all interpret this, and what our Ts have asked of us... Thanks!

Striking, thanks for the suggestion for the 3rd person view. I may try that. I probably need to talk to him about all this stuff anyway, but you're right, I'm not eager (or good at!) diving into all the emotional stuff. I'm better at ignoring it, but pretending to be magically great

ScarletPimpernel, thanks... and good question (re: why did I go back to therapy). I am kind of getting lost with the therapy, and not sure anymore. I think I had concrete goals when I started (dealing with my crazy mom, dealing with a work trip that made me want to jump in front of a bus, and figuring out what to do with my life!). But all that has kind of gone *whoosh* and I just feel... ugh, more crazy, with all my stuff laid out in front of us, you know? I think if it weren't just so incredibly expensive, it might be a bit easier to swallow, but I'm having budget-anxiety!

Thanks for posting about how you were "fine" when you weren't really living your life, I very much relate to that. I'm not totally hiding out in my house, but, I'm not really doing a whole lot either (haven't dated in like... since college, a very long time, don't have a lot of friends, and kind of stuck in a rut). I do want things to be better, but sometimes it's really hard to see how therapy is going to get me there!

re: The expectations around telling about SI... I think I'm just confused? So, we talked about it once, I did let him know that it had been a problem in the past, and that it had started back up again. And, he gave me his alternative (hand in a bucket of ice). I was pretty shut down and not very talkative, I think. But, there wasn't really any discussion or indication of whether I should be bringing it back up when it happened or talking about it, so I guess I kind of feel like he might not want to hear it (he may say, "why did you do that? Did you try the bucket of ice thing? Go do that instead!")

But I also feel like part of it is... I don't know if he wants the information as a way to see how I'm doing, because I don't know that I want to "work on" that. I don't think it's helpful to come up with alternative ways to hurt myself - I'd SO MUCH RATHER figure out how to deal with the things that are overwhelmingly stressful in a healthy way, not with ice or rubber bands. Does that make sense? But I'm afraid it's going to come across as... "hey, I'm doing this bad thing that is going to freak you out and by the way, I want to tell you and get attention, but I don't want to work on fixing it."

I guess that's part of it, I don't want to be "attention seeking" - and I think telling him, especially if it's followed up with "I don't want to look at alternatives" feels attention seeking to me.

Hm. Thanks, this is actually interesting to think through, I appreciate you asking about it!

Stopdog - thanks, it's always interesting to hear your take on all this. When you say, "I think a client can be insistent that is what is useful for them and find a therapist who will not object." - I think you're lucky that you're very clear on what you want, and what is helpful to you (I think?). Part of what is making me feel so crazy is the sense of... fogginess? The inability to pin down anything. You know what I mean? Sorry, it's frustrating (i.e. I'm frustrated with myself for not having a good, clear sense of what's going on inside of me! Not frustrated at you!)

Puzzle-Bug - I'm so sorry that your therapist gave you an ultimatum like that, which seems hugely inappropriate, and that therapy ended because of that!!!

Jordy - Oh wow! That's really interesting! You know, it does seem kind of like a LOT to ask of a client, but, I bet in a way, it felt good (and safe, maybe?) to have it spelled out and that type of structure to work with? Thanks for posting that, I'm glad it's working for you!

Thanks!