Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
Shouldn't it feel good? Shouldn't I feel cared for, loved, etc.?
I've had a very emotional week crying much more than usual. I've cried about craving the connection and how much it means to me. Then, I've been upset that I want it at all. It seems most of the tears are that she matters to me, that I care about her, etc.
B
I want to ask her for more time but I see her Thursday and then again Monday. I'm so tired of being this emotional. I have said several times this week "*&%$ therapy". Why do I cry that I feel close? I keep wanting to push her away and not care. Numb is easier, guarded is easier.
When will I be ok feeling close to her? When will I stop fighting it and crying over it? I would have quit by now but know I am getting better. I wish my emotionally distant mom didn't make me this way.
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It's painful because you want the closeness and have a gut-level fear that your therapist will withdraw/become distant just like your mom. At least that's how it was for me. What resolved it for me was the ongoing nature of my therapist never turning her back on me. No matter what stunts I pulled... no matter how much I 'tested' she stayed the same. It taught me how to successfully attach to people appropriately. For me.. it was what they call 'corrective experience'. It changed my life. But it takes time. And until you really believe that your therapist is not going to emotionally abandon you.. its going to be painful. You can't 'make' yourself believe it tho. It's a process that happens on its own. All you can do is walk through it until you 'get there.'. Trust me.. once you are on the other side of this... the journey will be worth it.