Hey Supanova. I use weed for pain relief too (I have Fibromyalgia) and it works better than any other med. The fact that you are seeing suicide tools in everything is a concern. I bet your friends would rather hear from you now and have an opportunity to support you than lose you. This is serious. If the urges get so bad you cannot keep yourself safe, please contact someone you trust, or a helpline, doctor etc. Many times in my life much suffering through suicide attempts and other self-destructive acts could have been prevented if I had of reached out. Who am I to advise though. I am a mess at the moment. I just hope you can stay safe and find some stability soon.