Recently told my T about lots of "holes" in my memory - all dealing with my father. I remember vividly several instances when he'd be angry and grab me, but have no recollection of what happened after that. On one occasion an older cousin stayed with us while my mother was out of town. We were sleeping in the guest room together and Dad came in angry because we were being too loud. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to my room. Then I'm blank until the next morning when he came to apologize for yelling at me, but told me I deserved "the other." He left for work and my cousin came in. I asked her why she had been screaming, did Dad come back to her room. She said she hadn't screamed, it was me. That's all I remember. It's been over 20 years and she won't talk to me about what she knows. There are other holes my memory, but this is the only one where there was a witness.

My T asked me if I thought I had been molested, I told her no and I believed that. But I can't say for sure b/c I don't remember. Been doing some thinking about the point at which I didn't have the gaps anymore and it seems like it was right about the time I hit puberty. Makes me wonder what significance that plays. I've read that most times fathers become most sexually attracted to their daughters AFTER puberty. So I'm hoping that it was "only" a physical thing. But might it also make sense that he would have stopped then for fear of pregnancy. I don't know and I don't know if I ever WANT to know.

Any opinions? Similar experiences?