Please don't run away from this suggestion. Therapy could help you with your identity. At the very least you can express your true self to a professional non-judger. Being able to decompress your feelings is a stress reliever. That may not work with your books but mental health is such a priority.

I know its hard to remember sometimes, but everyone has capacity. What everyone does with their capacity and how they assign it is up to them. It just comes with the package of being human. You have capacity and you can assign it to start building you in that person. To do so would mean that you have to free up some of your capacity that's already being used. You can take that capacity you use to pretend you're someone else and apply it a goal.

You don't have to give up that image. Just look at it a different way. In stead of being something imaginary and unreal, that image could be a goal. My words might not mean much. Know that potential is inherent, just as much as it is in me as it is in you.