i wish moving was an option for me but its just impossible. i have no idea how other people "move" unless they have the money to buy a house or whatever. even renting privately is too expensive plus they dont take dole scum. theres also the fact that anywhere i would move to would be the same. theres been loads of different people upstairs/next door since i lived here and they've all been pretty much the same apart from whoever was next door when i 1st moved here, never really heard anything from them, but the morons upstairs made more than enough to make up for it

what annoys me is that i dealt with it back then and i just dont know how and thats where i want to get back to. been able to deal with it. it never did this to me (im struggling to find the right words/way to describe it) but i just cant function anymore. i cant do anything. i can barely stand up sometimes. and i certainly cant do anything that requires too much thinking. i dont know whats changed or if its just that its getting too much to handle now. i dont know but i really want to be like how i was when i 1st moved here and was still able to do normal things adults did (to some extent, i mean theres always been something wrong with me but ive always managed to cope until now

volunteering would just be the same as having a job but w/o the money (which i what i desperately need a job for). tbh now i know i wouldnt be able to work even if someone gave me a job tomorrow i'd fail miserably at it. people have been telling me this for a while now but i always argued against i, now i see they were right all along. i feel so stupid

also now that i've had to adjust to upstairs morons sleeping pattern, which is totally unnatural and just totally messed me up) theres now way i can get up on time to get to a normal starting time job. like i think i said (or maybe i didnt) i have to sign on at 9 on thursday so i have to stay up all night before because there is no way i can get up after just a few hours sleep. there sleeping pattern seems to be from around 3am - 10am so thats what i've been forced to accept and i hate it. its stupid because most of the morning is gone and thats the best time to do things esp that involve going out

im thinking about going to the docs, but im not sure exactly what should say, to get them to take notice and take it seriously. i dont want them just saying use earplugs and all that crap everyone says because i already do, i've tried pretty much everything, but it doesnt change how my brain is dealing (or not dealing) with it. thats what i need to do. she will most likely just refer me to the counseller and theres usually a long waiting list. and i dont se how talking about it will help, but i suppose its worth a shot. id rather they gave me something (temporary) to help me along until its fixed...