Thanks all of u for sharing these thoughts and experiences. I find it interesting. Not in a way that its good that this happens to u but it opens my mind. It makes me really think and I can relate very much. Your views "hit home"; it is so true. I do think that I am having problems facing this; I am ashamed of it. I cant help that part. It is a way for me to cope, I have done it for so long. It just get worse though; I do fear death, I think most people do. The question is; is this a way to suicide. I dont really think so; your right Zenobia, I wouldnt be here trying to figure it out. Its just so close to my heart that when I do try to sort through it, seems to get worse. I guess I thought if I avoid it, it will go away. Well thats just stupid. Like its going to disapear. (dont mind the spelling). Anyway, I guess I am ashamed because I cause my own pain in this regard; so why do I have the right to complain about it. Its just something that I cant ignore and think; oh its fine, I will wake up and it will be better.

justy